I haven't posted in awhile. Partially because of my illness, and partially because TTC has just seemed, so.....I don't know, hopeless? Everyone says that it'll happen, just in it's own time, and in a way I understand that. I get that. But why can't it be my time? Why should I, and everyone I know that are TTC, exhaust ourselves TTC every single month--just to be let down? Isn't the exhaustion part supposed to come AFTER we have the rainbow baby, not before? Sex used to be enjoyable. Random. Fun. And while sex can still be enjoyable, and when it's not O time--it can be random too, but now no matter what I do it seems that it's nothing but a schedule. And not to mention the whole post sex rituals. Us, as girls get the wonderful job of laying in the wet spot, or propping our hips up, or falling asleep with a very wet va-jay-jay--almost like we've peed ourselves. (Sorry if TMI)

Us, as girls also get the wonderful post O freak outs. Over analyzing everything. Are my boobs sore? Are those blue veins? Is that lower abdominal cramping, something to do with the fact that there is a baby in there? Is my acne, pregnancy acne? Am I nauseous? Half the time, i'm led to believe that most of those symptoms are there because we WANT them to be there. That part cannot be helped though. It also doesn't help that 95% of early pregnancy symptoms are similar to PMS symptoms. It can also be said that, most of the stuff that we over analyze post O, in fact have been there all month, but of course we don't notice it.

I DO want to be pregnant, and I want to be the one to carry my unborn child in my womb, and experiencing everything that has to do with THAT part of TTC/being pregnant, but what I do wish, is that even if only for one month why can't guys go through what we go through. The worry, the over analyzing, the craziness going on with our bodies, the POAS addiction. I know some DH's and DBF's, and DF's do get involved up to that point, but at the same time--can they really understand what we are going through, unless they experience it themselves?

Anyway, rant about that over.

I've been sick for the past week. Head cold type stuff. I've also felt sick to my stomach, as well for the past week. I'm hoping it's on it's way out, but this morning I woke up with a super sore throat. Worse than any of the sore throats i've had the entire time I was sick. I keep repeating my own mantra. At least I'm getting it over with now. haha.

I'm also very discouraged because of my cycle lengths, and never knowing when I O. I've had a fever for the past week or so too, so my temps would most definitely be off, and hold no bearing to O date so I haven't bothered to input them/take them when I first wake up. Not that it would hold much bearing to O date either. What with DD waking up at 5 am with night terrors, and then waking up at 7, just not a long enough sleep span. I mean pretty much every woman that went over to 2ww to O date, either a day before, the same day, or a few days after are already moved onto the 2ww. Me? According to FF i'm supposed to O around Christmas, which is 3 weeks away! I'm supposed to be in 2ww to O until Christmas? Three more weeks? I can't stand that. Of course at the same time, another site has AF due around Christmas, so I suppose it could go either way. Tomorrow, i'm going to start inputting my temps again, so I can at least get a guesstimate on which way it's gonna go.

On a good note though. I have been BD-ing exactly like I wanted to this cycle, and even a little bit more. I just need to keep it up!

CYCLE DAY 36. Cannot believe it. Last time my cycle was 38 days, so I guess technically i'm not late yet. What I really hope right now though is that I could get my cycles back to normal. I hated my 'long' 31 day cycles before my loss--and now they've moved up to as long as 38 days? Why must my body still insist on being out of wack? And what's even crazier is the fact that if I counted the day I had the methotrexate injection as CD 1, it was exactly 31 days after that AF came! So not fair anymore!

I mean I don't think i've ever had 'normal' 28 day cycles, but seriously varying from 34-38 days (averaging on 36 days) is seriously getting on my nerves.

On the plus side though, I did have a great Halloween. There were only eight of us there that night, but it was still fun. I probably drank one too many drinks, but I doubt I am PG anyway. Not sure why. Mostly because my cycle and temps were so wacky that it's just taken away all of my hope for the month. Hopefully i'm wrong.

Halloween is the start of the Holidays that don't stop until March for us. Thanksgiving in Nov. Christmas, and New Years in Dec. Kiki's birthday in Jan. Rodney's birthday in Feb. And my birthday in March. Still my favorite time of the year, even though it is holy hell expensive. It's all worth it. Now if only I could get PG, and stop spending money, and extra time on TTC.

Hmm guilty?

Alright, so i'm in a much better place this post. Still ancy, and worried, but better! FF doesn't have a for sure O date, and my chart is out of control! I know it's the way i've been temping, and i'm really hoping that didn't throw off anything--that perhaps I have O'd and we DTD the right days! AF is due the week of Nov 1st so i'm trying not to test until then, or maybe even later if I haven't O'd yet. But.......i've got a small dilemma.

As everyone knows, it's Halloween next week. Well, Saturday is the day my state is celebrating it. I'm going to attend a Halloween party with a few friends, and I know there will be alcohol there, and i'm going to want to drink a beer, or two or a mixed drink or something. But, what if I did O and i'm possibly PG then? I would feel hella guilty for my screw up! Or if i'm not, and I don't drink anything just in case, i'd feel like I could of had a bit more fun, and let my worries fly to the wind. Is that selfish of me?

I could test on the 30th, and see what's happens, but I have one test left and i'm trying to save it. (It's a FRER, so I don't want to use it too early and waste it just in case) So i'm kind of in a bind.

And for even making a post about this, I feel extremely selfish. I mean, it's a small sacrifice not to drink, it's not that big of a deal--but at the same time it's the first time i'll get out all month, be around great people, a good atmosphere, and the first drink i've had all month. And I know that even if I just have one beer, it will take a lot of the stress i've been having off of my shoulders, at least for a few hours, and that would be amazing. Arrrrrg!!

Any advice?

bills, bills, bills.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."

~Glenn Turner

It's been a long time since I've updated. For many reasons. This month has been hell for us, because of bills, storms, and a bunch of other random things. We were doing ok before, but now when payday comes we are forced to pay half of the bills, and buy what we need, then are left with only enough money for gas to get to work for the next two weeks. It's not usually like this, and I'm not quite sure why all of a sudden things got so tight. I'm just a ball of worries though. Worries that we are going to get a shut off notice for our power, or telephone and have to go get a payday loan to prevent it from happening.

The power is almost paid off, and the phone bill is paid off until next month that is, so I guess thats something. Though I suppose it's understandable why the power bill is so high. The summer months always run very warm here (No AC, in 120 degree weather? I think not.) So it should start going down some, but until then we still have 180.00 to pay that's past due, and i'm praying we can pay it off on time. Though I suppose getting the payday loan wouldn't be all too horrible. Just transferring the bill somewhere else, and paying on it each month, but i'd rather not pay the finance charges.

My cycle has been wacked this month too. Not sure if I've O'd yet, temps keep going up and down, but I think the only reason for that is because of the way i've been temping. I'm pretty sure I sleep with my mouth open most nights. So next month I'm going to do it vaginally, and hope for the best. I've been trying to keep my mind off of everything, but it's just not working. Whenever my mind wanders it wanders to the bills to be paid, and when are we next going to be paid, and how much will it be, and will it be enough? I've tried reading to help with this, but it only holds my attention for little spurts of time.

Halloween is coming up, and i've tried focusing on that, and maybe that's why i'm anxious as well. The first time all month, i'll be getting out of the house and doing something fun, and around people I enjoy. I'm just sick of feeling like one big ball of anxiety. I get that enough with TTC, I don't want it to hang around because i'm looking forward to something!

I just have to keep telling myself, it will work out. Yes, having no money sucks, but we could be in a much worse situation. At least we are getting money to pay the bills, at least we will have the money to pay back the payday loan place, should we have to get one. Even though rent is sky high, at least we have a place to live. Even though we cannot eat out as much as we used to, at least we still have food to eat. Even though it cost an arm and a leg, at least we got the car insurance paid, and we can still drive to work--and it's one less bill to worry about. And even though friends are scarce, and we hardly see them, at least we do see them once in awhile, and we do have family who loves us.

Sorry. Had to vent--or something.....

Sad sad day

It's a sad day in Amy's world of TTC. As most of you know BD-ing can be kind of repetitive, and you can easily lose interest. Well, i'm not sure if that's what's happened in my world, but something close.

While BD-ing I looked over at my closet, and realized I forgot to ask if DH noticed I color coordinated it, and couldn't help but, think how pretty nice it looked that way. How sad is that?

Also in my attempt to seduce DH, he told me 'How am I supposed to want to have sex with you, when you are so pitiful in wanting it?'

What the heck is that? I'm sorry my seduction attempts didn't include wine, candles, and perhaps a little bit of Barry Manilow. Though even if I did that, it probably would have been 'pitiful' to you as well DH. Now that i'm thinking it, no wonder I focused on my pretty looking closet. I'm trying to keep BD-ing fun, but with him being like this--it's hard. I got the job done, but couldn't help but be relieved when it was over, because then he could stop 'pitying' me.

And it's not only that, he's been working on designing a website that has him up til 5-6 AM, and then tries BD-ing with me, and then blaming me because we haven't kept up with it! I'm sorry I go to sleep at 12 because i'm tired, and don't really want to be woken up at six am to have sex with you! I'm sorry i'm trying to do it with you while we are both still awake, so that not only can we try to make a baby, but also stay close. I'm sorry!

I'm going shopping tomorrow. Maybe that will lift my spirits. While spending money isn't something that I should go overboard with, I will buy myself a few shirts, and perhaps some Halloween items.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

"I Couldn't believe my eyes, when I woke up this morning...."

Rx Bandits- Analog Boy

Please let FF be wrong! I wasn't ready to O. Not that early! We bd'd the day AFTER it said I O'd so my chances of being pg are probably nilch if it's true. I'm still going to bd every day/night for a few more days anyway. Please do not let me be 3DPO! (Never thought i'd say that) Okay. That is all.

Things I never would have done before my loss.

The things I took for granted before my loss:

After a post I made in JM, I realized something. Even though before my loss I was TTC, there were some things I never would have done before my loss. Things I never would have thought of before my loss. Things that have opened my eyes, and also made me a paranoid mess.

• Before my loss, I usually didn't mind having a beer or two in my cycles. I figured as long as I didn't get completely plastered or do it too often it was ok. Now i'm paranoid about EVER drinking. I don't want to have any reason, or rhyme to try and blame myself. If I have another loss, and I happened to drink a beer (or mixed drink, etc) I would forever wonder, or point the finger at myself. 'Well, I shouldn't of done that. This is all my fault' When I know that one beer is not going to cause a loss.
• I've never had the experience of getting a + HPT by myself at home. I got mine at the doctors, when I was already bleeding, and I knew the inevitable. Now I find myself taking HPT's even when AF is here, because that's what happened with my loss. I had AF. So now I no longer trust even her. I even took my HPT home from the doc's and cried over it because I didn't even get that moment of pure joy without worry with my ectopic.
• I know that when/if I do get pg again, I will not have a moment that i'm not anxious or worried. I no longer can have an effortless pregnancy (I know that even normal pregnancies are not effortless, but i'm sure you know what I mean) I will analyze every twinge, cramp, slight shoulder pain (The shoulder pain which I have frequently anyway from being double jointed in my shoulders, I will now worry about) I already do that now, and I know it will get worse when I am pg.
• I would have never met some of the most wonderful women in my life if it weren't for my loss. I wish that none of us could have met under these circumstances, but I'm glad we met all the same. These women are some of the strongest, most caring, understanding, women I have ever met. And though I do not know them IRL I am proud to call them my friends, and my heart breaks for them, just as much as it would for someone I would call a best friend that I did know IRL had a loss.
• When we were ttc, while I was slightly envious about the pg women I knew--I always had it in the back of my mind 'well this will be me in a few months when I finally get my +HPT' so I never let it get to me too much. Now I'm envious, slightly angry. Because I don't know IF I ever will get my +HPT. I also see women taking completely for granted their pregnancies. I'm also envious/mad at the fact that they are complaining about every little thing about it, or just sitting back relaxing not having one little worry in their minds. I KNOW this is NOT their fault. I KNOW that I may not know their entire history--or if they have ever had a loss, I KNOW that sometimes I need to just pull my big girl panties on and deal with it.

I also KNOW that I am who I am today, because of my loss. While I may not be proud of every aspect of who I am today. The anger, the envy. I also am proud that my eyes have been opened. I am more sympathetic, I am more caring. I KNOW that when I get my BFP there will not be a single moment that I will take it for granted. I know that when I do get to hold my bebe in my arms that there is not a thing in the world that I would regret about him/her. I KNOW that I am stronger, and a better person because of it. I KNOW that there will not be a single moment in my life that will get past me. While I might not enjoy some aspects of the parenting (I know I have a DD, but like I said I've taken things for granted) I will welcome them with open arms, and laugh about it.

My name is Amy. And I'm an ectopic survivor. And I am also a very strong woman.

"What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you."

Chris Isaak- Wicked Game

Doesn't this song, just ring so true? I love HIM's version better than Chris Isaak, but they both rock. I'm kind of feeling kind of numb. I've been temping with a regular thermometer, just to get into the hang out it, until I can go out and buy one. What i'm really thinking of doing as well, is buying some pre-seed. I've heard that it can do wonders for you! I might try it this cycle if I can order it soon enough, and have it arrive in time. I'm really to try anything.

I've felt near the end of my tether for awhile, and i'm not sure what to do, or where to go. pregnancies here and there, and I wanna be supportive, but I also wanna cry.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do."

Confucius

Cycle day one. Finally. I never thought I'd be glad to say that, but I am. It's easy to lose hope on a journey such as this. It seems that all it ever consists of is, waiting. You wait to O, then you wait to test, then you wait for your cycle to start over. It's a bah humbug routine, but i'm sticking with it. I'm taking soy this time on days 3-7. I also will start taking opk's on cycle day 10. AF should arrive around the 30th of October, which I hope she doesn't because I truly would get my Halloween BFP then.

I'm trying to do several different things to spice these routines up, but i'm not quite sure how to do it. I feel like one big anxiety ball. I'm always anxious for something. I wish I knew a way I could make it stop, but I don't.

I'm not going to start this one off with a quote just because i'm so danged pissed off! I took another test today BFN! AF is four days late and this is ridiculous! My AF symptoms kind of went away. Bbs don't really hurt anymore, nothing. I'm really just wanting my cycle to start so I can start the F over! The waiting game sucks. I'm going to call my doc tomorrow and see what they think. Make sure it's not a UTI or anything like that keeping her away. My sides have been aching pretty bad lately.

So just for fun I did another tarot reading last night, and got very clear Nov/Dec. I actually got that answer in several of the readings again, and sometimes twice in the same reading. So, we'll see. I'm putting my anger into cleaning, so in a break right now, but mostly scrubbing walls, and light switches listening to Linkin Park, Chevelle, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Rob Zombie. Though technically if I want to put myself in a good mood, I should really be listening to Incubus, or Radiohead but, I think the anger is doing some good at the moment.

Gonna try and relax the best I can tonight by watching True Blood, eating Chili, and perhaps putting myself in a sleeping pill induced coma--it works.

"Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before? Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean. "

The hangover

I watched that movie last night and those lines made me giggle. Cycle Day 36. No AF in sight, though I do have AF symptoms, but with me AF symptoms and PG symptoms are pretty much identical--minus the bleeding with AF. Haven't been able to get out of the house to go by an HPT yet--so probably just gonna call the doctor on Monday and see what he has to say. (Though I'll probably talk to his assistant, which is okay she's awesome too) I haven't been out of the house besides checking the mail in two days and i'm sort of going nuts. DH needs to finish what he's doing to the car so I can go places!

I was going through my old journal log today, and in Sept of last year I did a tarot reading on myself (I love reading the tarot.) And for that reading, it said that I would probably find out I was pregnant in March/April. And it came true. I could hardly believe it, and I couldn't believe I forgot about that! I'm thinking about maybe doing another spread to pass the time, but i'm not sure. It might be a fun thing to do though. I got a new deck a few years back, and it's predictions have been pretty accurate for the most part.

I'm in the midst of decorating for Halloween as well. Thinking about Christmas. (I know so early, but I need to save to get presents so I have to plan early)So keeping busy has been helping too. I might update a little more later.

Thanks for reading. I know I post a lot--but, it's a good outlet.

"Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. "

Jefferson Machamer

I'm pretty tired today. But, it's been a better day so far then yesterday. Still no sign of AF though. Though my sides have been hurting, and i've been having a general achy (small cramping type feeling too) in my lower abdomen. Not sure what it is. Could be anything from AF early signs, to a UTI, to a kidney infection. I can't go out and get another HPT because DH works all day, and the other car is in the garage on jackstands because DH decided to do something to it. Not quite sure what though. So i'm going to spend today just guessing I suppose. Though if I don't see her by Monday--i'm going to call my doctor, and see what he thinks. Though i'm sure he'll say something like, "it's normal to skip a period every once in awhile." I'll try and see if he'll run some tests, at least check for pregnancy, and/or UTI's.

Peace of mind, I guess.

I'm super excited for Halloween. (If you can't tell, by my Halloween decked out background. Haha.) My dad brought over the complete Friday the 13th movies, and the complete Halloween movie set. So i'm going to be watching those. I watched Cabin Fever 1 & 2 the other day, and let me tell you i'm not a big fan of necrosis--mostly because we have spiders that live out here that CAN do that to you. (Not as crazy gory as those movies, but same general idea) And I have been bit by one before. Luckily I got it in the early stage and all I needed was some antibiotics, anti venom, and some steroid type drugs. Jeez, I have bad luck with spiders. First brown recluse, then a black widow bite? Man oh Man.

DH and I made up. He wasn't mad at me he tried to turn it on my by saying I was mad at him. I wasn't mad at you honey--til you took off and didn't come back for nine hours! Men. How they can be reduced to babies. I really hope to have my sticky bean by Christmas. That's when we have our big family get together, and I'll have to see my very pg niece there for the first time since she got pg. I was hoping to be pg too, just so it doesn't sting as bad. I haven't really been able to talk to her since she got pg, because she got pg during my loss.

Warning my daughter is mentioned.

"I'm ovulating honey. Best time to get me pregnant!"

"My dad just died, and you're talking about your period?"

"Did you not hear me? I'm ovulating....and not wearing any panties."

"What?! You're not wearing any panties to my dad's funeral? What's wrong with you?"

"I tried being nice. Get your ass in here, and lets find out if your lazy swimmers can get me pregnant! I'M OVULATING!"

Death at a funeral 2010

So I had to put that for the quote this post, because it's a super funny movie. You can actually see the women with a thermometer in her mouth temping. It's nice to see a movie where the women has to try to get pregnant.

Today is not a good day. DH and I are fighting--I don't know quite why. It started after we got home from the grocery store, and we were going inside--using the front door. (We usually go in through the garage) Our screen door for the past few months, has been sticking up top. You have to push really hard to get it to unstick up top to open it. Well we were going to open the door, and trying to be helpful Kiki held the door way open so DH could open the door. (I had all the groceries so my hands were full) and DH told Kiki not to to that or to open the door that far (it did nothing to the screen door that hadn't already been done) and I calmly told him to be nice to her, she was just trying to help. She didn't know the door was broken. (I guess one of the screws up top had come loose, so there were only two screws keeping the screen door up top attached to the frame) And when we got in the house he went storming in the bedroom, and slammed the door.

I put away the rest of the groceries, and went into the room to talk to him (he had locked the door so I had to get a butter knife to open it) and he freaked out at me. Saying stuff like 'I don't know why you let her destroy the house, and think it's cute'

Excuse me? The screen door was already broken. Kiki did not break it. I'm not going to get mad at her for doing something she didn't know was wrong. She was trying to help. Doing something that i've encouraged since she was born. Then he got mad at me for 'Yelling' at him. (i was not yelling....) and saying that I was saying he broke it. No I did not. It broke because of all of the times we've had to push extra hard to open the damn screen door. Everybody did it. Nobody's to blame, and it's an easy fix. We will not have it taken out of our deposit as long as we put the screws back in.

He stormed off, with his keys, itouch, and car. I have no idea where he went. Probably to go whine to his dad.

He doesn't see Kiki as his daughter. He doesn't think that she likes him. Just because she loves her bio dad so much. (Her bio dad, is an awesome dad) He's not home a lot when she's here, or awake. (He gets off at ten, which is way past her bedtime) I know he'll be different with his own child--but I'm not sure he gets children quite right now. (He says things like--you probably love him still, and more because he gave you a daughter and I can't) I don't know what to do, or how to make him understand without making him feel threatened.

Sure, we need to clean our carpets, and wash our walls a little more throughly, but that's NORMAL! We might have a few more stains than he had in his last apartment because of Kiki, but again that's NORMAL! We are not going to lose our deposit, and it's not like we are looking to move ANYTIME soon.

Sorry. Had to get this off of my chest.

"Remember, remember, the fifth of November...."

V for Vendetta

November. I don't know whether to look forward to, or to dread that month. It is a good month, because it DH's and mine first anniversary, but it is also the month my doctor told me to come in and see him if we hadn't gotten pregnant again yet. I hold no more hope for this cycle. I'm pretty sure that I am out--and quite honestly I'm ready for the witch to get here, so I can move on and start a new cycle.

I'm planning on upping my dosage of soy this time around, though I think i'm going to take it on the same days I did last cycle. Day's 3-7. Maybe DH and I can just DTD every day starting five days after AF leaves this cycle. So that way I don't have to worry if we did it on the right days or not. I can simply say, we did it on ALL of the days :)

It would be completely awesome to get a Halloween BFP. My favorite holiday. I'm not sure if I can hold any hope for it though, because with each BFN a piece of my little hope bubble gets burst. Maybe I will have to go see the doctor in November. I just don't seem to be very fertile.

DH is also taking this very hard. Ok, let me rephrase; The man way. I'm not man enough; you're gonna leave me for someone who can get you pregnant; there's something wrong with my swimmers; You hate me because I can't get you pregnant; Yadda, yadda. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I can't keep telling him the same things over and over again like a broken record player. Obviously he's not hearing it--so maybe I should just stop trying to tell him his worries are moot. I'm not going to go out and find a man to get me pregnant, I don't hate him, and the ability to get me pregnant has nothing to do with how much of a man you are. Period.

I guess we are just in two separate places. I'm worried i'm infertile, or my tubes are so blocked up everything just goes ping-ponging back out. He's worried that i'm going to leave him because he's broken. I know fertility problems can be the man, the woman, or both--but with my past I can't help but think that this has nothing to do with his troops being lazy.

The history of Ms Shamis Davis Ludwig;

Now, as you may have guessed no where in that name, is my real name. It's a name I have been using since I was fourteen. I have an obscenely creative friend, and I used to hang out with her and her amazing family all of the time. They first started calling me Amy, of course because that is my name. Then it changed to Shamie. Then it finally transitioned into Shamis. Over the course of a few months they added onto that; They added the Davis Ludwig. I have NO idea where they got the middle and last part of that, but it always was there--and it went well with the Shamis. We also had names for her and her older sister. Dandi Robertson, and Cici Madden Von Fredrickstein. Those names have followed us ever sense. My family called them by their names, and their family called me by mine--even now.

I named my blog this for a reason. I look back on those days as being the happiest of my youth. And if for some reason I become too cynical in my journey of freaking out at the fertility god, then I can at least look up at the web address and smile.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."

- Alexander Graham Bell

I remember when I was younger (much younger mind you) I had hoped to never have to use a pregnancy test, and more importantly--if I had to use one, never to see two pink lines. Once a girl in my high school, found herself pregnant. She was overjoyed. She took her test to school with her in a ziplock baggie, and showed everyone she knew--and some she didn't.

I remember, rolling my eyes at her. Not quite believing how this girl could be so happy at something that was sure to ruin her life. Not because of the baby, you see--but because she was having one so young.

I remember thinking, that will be me someday. Not anytime soon, I hope--but perhaps someday I will be getting those two pink lines--and be overjoyed by it. I would never carry it around with me--but I would be happy.

I remember thinking, that when Mr. Confused and I started trying to conceive--that soon I would have a bumbling screaming baby in my arms.

Unfortunately, I also remember the feeling of dread.

Mr. Confused and I have been married since November 14th 2009. We have been TTC, since June of 2009.

On March 25th 2010, a witch came knocking at my door. She stayed with me for seven days--a few days longer than she should have. She went away for one day, and came right back on day nine. This time she stayed with me indefinitely. Finally, a visit to the doctor was in order. One pregnancy test later--the doctor comes in HAPPY saying "Congratulations. You're pregnant."

Dread. Joy. Dread. Joy.....finally settled on Dread.

I knew my poor little bean wasn't in good condition. I may not have known much about pregnancy, but I did know that bleeding was not a good sign--yet I wanted to have hope. I wanted to be able to shout to the world, "I'M PREGNANT!" but, I knew I couldn't. I have never felt that much utter hopelessness, and sadness ever in my life. After two blood draws, I got a call from another doctor. "This is probably not a viable pregnancy." Thank you doctor, for telling me with such care. Could you be more disconnected?

Finally, going to a new OB-GYN because I had yet to establish one in my new city. They did an ultrasound. No little bean in there. But there was a lot of 'tissue' was how the doctor worded it. A D&C later, I get a phone call. "I'm sorry to tell you, but you're levels are still rising. It is a tubular pregnancy. I need to see you right away." I go see him, he explains everything, and I go get a shot of Methotrexate. Another really bad experience. I developed thrush of the mouth, and it stayed with me for a good two weeks. Having recently dyeing my hair, it became brittle and started breaking off in parts. Once my levels were zero--my emotions began to form more solidly.

Anger. At the world, at the doctors, at every pregnant woman I saw. Disconnecting myself from society, so I wouldn't say anything I might later regret I buried myself in a hole. Crying sometimes, sleeping sometimes, doing my routines around the house like a droid on repeat. I knew I wasn't acting line a sane human being--and I didn't care. Nobody else knew how I felt, nobody else seemed to care about the little bean that I had to get rid of in order to survive. That is until I found a message board sent from the gods. Women who knew how I felt. Women who knew what I was going through. Women I am proud enough of to call my friends, even though I have never met them.

I began to heal. Placating my anger, and putting it somewhere where it would have use. I also began to hope. This is my third cycle that i've had since losing my little Jelly Belly, and I'm still trying to cling to that hope.

Maybe someday, I will have that positive pregnancy test that I can carry around with me where ever I go. Maybe someday, I will be able to shout i'm pregnant. Maybe someday my anger, and resent will be put in those closed doors; and the doors that are left ajar for possibilities with, will come rushing through. Maybe someday. I just wish that day were today.