After a post I made in JM, I realized something. Even though before my loss I was TTC, there were some things I never would have done before my loss. Things I never would have thought of before my loss. Things that have opened my eyes, and also made me a paranoid mess.
- Before my loss, I usually didn't mind having a beer or two in my cycles. I figured as long as I didn't get completely plastered or do it too often it was ok. Now i'm paranoid about EVER drinking. I don't want to have any reason, or rhyme to try and blame myself. If I have another loss, and I happened to drink a beer (or mixed drink, etc) I would forever wonder, or point the finger at myself. 'Well, I shouldn't of done that. This is all my fault' When I know that one beer is not going to cause a loss.
- I've never had the experience of getting a + HPT by myself at home. I got mine at the doctors, when I was already bleeding, and I knew the inevitable. Now I find myself taking HPT's even when AF is here, because that's what happened with my loss. I had AF. So now I no longer trust even her. I even took my HPT home from the doc's and cried over it because I didn't even get that moment of pure joy without worry with my ectopic.
- I know that when/if I do get pg again, I will not have a moment that i'm not anxious or worried. I no longer can have an effortless pregnancy (I know that even normal pregnancies are not effortless, but i'm sure you know what I mean) I will analyze every twinge, cramp, slight shoulder pain (The shoulder pain which I have frequently anyway from being double jointed in my shoulders, I will now worry about) I already do that now, and I know it will get worse when I am pg.
- I would have never met some of the most wonderful women in my life if it weren't for my loss. I wish that none of us could have met under these circumstances, but I'm glad we met all the same. These women are some of the strongest, most caring, understanding, women I have ever met. And though I do not know them IRL I am proud to call them my friends, and my heart breaks for them, just as much as it would for someone I would call a best friend that I did know IRL had a loss.
- When we were ttc, while I was slightly envious about the pg women I knew--I always had it in the back of my mind 'well this will be me in a few months when I finally get my +HPT' so I never let it get to me too much. Now I'm envious, slightly angry. Because I don't know IF I ever will get my +HPT. I also see women taking completely for granted their pregnancies. I'm also envious/mad at the fact that they are complaining about every little thing about it, or just sitting back relaxing not having one little worry in their minds. I KNOW this is NOT their fault. I KNOW that I may not know their entire history--or if they have ever had a loss, I KNOW that sometimes I need to just pull my big girl panties on and deal with it.
I also KNOW that I am who I am today, because of my loss. While I may not be proud of every aspect of who I am today. The anger, the envy. I also am proud that my eyes have been opened. I am more sympathetic, I am more caring. I KNOW that when I get my BFP there will not be a single moment that I will take it for granted. I know that when I do get to hold my bebe in my arms that there is not a thing in the world that I would regret about him/her. I KNOW that I am stronger, and a better person because of it. I KNOW that there will not be a single moment in my life that will get past me. While I might not enjoy some aspects of the parenting (I know I have a DD, but like I said I've taken things for granted) I will welcome them with open arms, and laugh about it.
My name is Amy. And I'm an ectopic survivor. And I am also a very strong woman.