"Remember, remember, the fifth of November...."

V for Vendetta

November. I don't know whether to look forward to, or to dread that month. It is a good month, because it DH's and mine first anniversary, but it is also the month my doctor told me to come in and see him if we hadn't gotten pregnant again yet. I hold no more hope for this cycle. I'm pretty sure that I am out--and quite honestly I'm ready for the witch to get here, so I can move on and start a new cycle.

I'm planning on upping my dosage of soy this time around, though I think i'm going to take it on the same days I did last cycle. Day's 3-7. Maybe DH and I can just DTD every day starting five days after AF leaves this cycle. So that way I don't have to worry if we did it on the right days or not. I can simply say, we did it on ALL of the days :)

It would be completely awesome to get a Halloween BFP. My favorite holiday. I'm not sure if I can hold any hope for it though, because with each BFN a piece of my little hope bubble gets burst. Maybe I will have to go see the doctor in November. I just don't seem to be very fertile.

DH is also taking this very hard. Ok, let me rephrase; The man way. I'm not man enough; you're gonna leave me for someone who can get you pregnant; there's something wrong with my swimmers; You hate me because I can't get you pregnant; Yadda, yadda. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I can't keep telling him the same things over and over again like a broken record player. Obviously he's not hearing it--so maybe I should just stop trying to tell him his worries are moot. I'm not going to go out and find a man to get me pregnant, I don't hate him, and the ability to get me pregnant has nothing to do with how much of a man you are. Period.

I guess we are just in two separate places. I'm worried i'm infertile, or my tubes are so blocked up everything just goes ping-ponging back out. He's worried that i'm going to leave him because he's broken. I know fertility problems can be the man, the woman, or both--but with my past I can't help but think that this has nothing to do with his troops being lazy.