Tuesday, September 21, 2010

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."

- Alexander Graham Bell


I remember when I was younger (much younger mind you) I had hoped to never have to use a pregnancy test, and more importantly--if I had to use one, never to see two pink lines. Once a girl in my high school, found herself pregnant. She was overjoyed. She took her test to school with her in a ziplock baggie, and showed everyone she knew--and some she didn't.

I remember, rolling my eyes at her. Not quite believing how this girl could be so happy at something that was sure to ruin her life. Not because of the baby, you see--but because she was having one so young.

I remember thinking, that will be me someday. Not anytime soon, I hope--but perhaps someday I will be getting those two pink lines--and be overjoyed by it. I would never carry it around with me--but I would be happy.

I remember thinking, that when Mr. Confused and I started trying to conceive--that soon I would have a bumbling screaming baby in my arms.

Unfortunately, I also remember the feeling of dread.

Mr. Confused and I have been married since November 14th 2009. We have been TTC, since June of 2009.
On March 25th 2010, a witch came knocking at my door. She stayed with me for seven days--a few days longer than she should have. She went away for one day, and came right back on day nine. This time she stayed with me indefinitely. Finally, a visit to the doctor was in order. One pregnancy test later--the doctor comes in HAPPY saying "Congratulations. You're pregnant."

Dread. Joy. Dread. Joy.....finally settled on Dread.

I knew my poor little bean wasn't in good condition. I may not have known much about pregnancy, but I did know that bleeding was not a good sign--yet I wanted to have hope. I wanted to be able to shout to the world, "I'M PREGNANT!" but, I knew I couldn't. I have never felt that much utter hopelessness, and sadness ever in my life. After two blood draws, I got a call from another doctor. "This is probably not a viable pregnancy." Thank you doctor, for telling me with such care. Could you be more disconnected?

Finally, going to a new OB-GYN because I had yet to establish one in my new city. They did an ultrasound. No little bean in there. But there was a lot of 'tissue' was how the doctor worded it. A D&C later, I get a phone call. "I'm sorry to tell you, but you're levels are still rising. It is a tubular pregnancy. I need to see you right away." I go see him, he explains everything, and I go get a shot of Methotrexate. Another really bad experience. I developed thrush of the mouth, and it stayed with me for a good two weeks. Having recently dyeing my hair, it became brittle and started breaking off in parts. Once my levels were zero--my emotions began to form more solidly.

Anger. At the world, at the doctors, at every pregnant woman I saw. Disconnecting myself from society, so I wouldn't say anything I might later regret I buried myself in a hole. Crying sometimes, sleeping sometimes, doing my routines around the house like a droid on repeat. I knew I wasn't acting line a sane human being--and I didn't care. Nobody else knew how I felt, nobody else seemed to care about the little bean that I had to get rid of in order to survive. That is until I found a message board sent from the gods. Women who knew how I felt. Women who knew what I was going through. Women I am proud enough of to call my friends, even though I have never met them.

I began to heal. Placating my anger, and putting it somewhere where it would have use. I also began to hope. This is my third cycle that i've had since losing my little Jelly Belly, and I'm still trying to cling to that hope.

Maybe someday, I will have that positive pregnancy test that I can carry around with me where ever I go. Maybe someday, I will be able to shout i'm pregnant. Maybe someday my anger, and resent will be put in those closed doors; and the doors that are left ajar for possibilities with, will come rushing through. Maybe someday. I just wish that day were today.


1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you decided to start blogging! You wrote a beautiful first post. All the emotions you've written about are unfortunately so familiar. I'm glad you are still holding on to some hope though!

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