Saturday, October 23, 2010

Hmm guilty?

Alright, so i'm in a much better place this post. Still ancy, and worried, but better! FF doesn't have a for sure O date, and my chart is out of control! I know it's the way i've been temping, and i'm really hoping that didn't throw off anything--that perhaps I have O'd and we DTD the right days! AF is due the week of Nov 1st so i'm trying not to test until then, or maybe even later if I haven't O'd yet. But.......i've got a small dilemma.

As everyone knows, it's Halloween next week. Well, Saturday is the day my state is celebrating it. I'm going to attend a Halloween party with a few friends, and I know there will be alcohol there, and i'm going to want to drink a beer, or two or a mixed drink or something. But, what if I did O and i'm possibly PG then? I would feel hella guilty for my screw up! Or if i'm not, and I don't drink anything just in case, i'd feel like I could of had a bit more fun, and let my worries fly to the wind. Is that selfish of me?

I could test on the 30th, and see what's happens, but I have one test left and i'm trying to save it. (It's a FRER, so I don't want to use it too early and waste it just in case) So i'm kind of in a bind.

And for even making a post about this, I feel extremely selfish. I mean, it's a small sacrifice not to drink, it's not that big of a deal--but at the same time it's the first time i'll get out all month, be around great people, a good atmosphere, and the first drink i've had all month. And I know that even if I just have one beer, it will take a lot of the stress i've been having off of my shoulders, at least for a few hours, and that would be amazing. Arrrrrg!!

Any advice?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

bills, bills, bills.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."

~Glenn Turner

It's been a long time since I've updated. For many reasons. This month has been hell for us, because of bills, storms, and a bunch of other random things. We were doing ok before, but now when payday comes we are forced to pay half of the bills, and buy what we need, then are left with only enough money for gas to get to work for the next two weeks. It's not usually like this, and I'm not quite sure why all of a sudden things got so tight. I'm just a ball of worries though. Worries that we are going to get a shut off notice for our power, or telephone and have to go get a payday loan to prevent it from happening.
The power is almost paid off, and the phone bill is paid off until next month that is, so I guess thats something. Though I suppose it's understandable why the power bill is so high. The summer months always run very warm here (No AC, in 120 degree weather? I think not.) So it should start going down some, but until then we still have 180.00 to pay that's past due, and i'm praying we can pay it off on time. Though I suppose getting the payday loan wouldn't be all too horrible. Just transferring the bill somewhere else, and paying on it each month, but i'd rather not pay the finance charges.

My cycle has been wacked this month too. Not sure if I've O'd yet, temps keep going up and down, but I think the only reason for that is because of the way i've been temping. I'm pretty sure I sleep with my mouth open most nights. So next month I'm going to do it vaginally, and hope for the best. I've been trying to keep my mind off of everything, but it's just not working. Whenever my mind wanders it wanders to the bills to be paid, and when are we next going to be paid, and how much will it be, and will it be enough? I've tried reading to help with this, but it only holds my attention for little spurts of time.

Halloween is coming up, and i've tried focusing on that, and maybe that's why i'm anxious as well. The first time all month, i'll be getting out of the house and doing something fun, and around people I enjoy. I'm just sick of feeling like one big ball of anxiety. I get that enough with TTC, I don't want it to hang around because i'm looking forward to something!

I just have to keep telling myself, it will work out. Yes, having no money sucks, but we could be in a much worse situation. At least we are getting money to pay the bills, at least we will have the money to pay back the payday loan place, should we have to get one. Even though rent is sky high, at least we have a place to live. Even though we cannot eat out as much as we used to, at least we still have food to eat. Even though it cost an arm and a leg, at least we got the car insurance paid, and we can still drive to work--and it's one less bill to worry about. And even though friends are scarce, and we hardly see them, at least we do see them once in awhile, and we do have family who loves us.

Sorry. Had to vent--or something.....

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sad sad day

It's a sad day in Amy's world of TTC. As most of you know BD-ing can be kind of repetitive, and you can easily lose interest. Well, i'm not sure if that's what's happened in my world, but something close.

While BD-ing I looked over at my closet, and realized I forgot to ask if DH noticed I color coordinated it, and couldn't help but, think how pretty nice it looked that way. How sad is that?

Also in my attempt to seduce DH, he told me 'How am I supposed to want to have sex with you, when you are so pitiful in wanting it?'

What the heck is that? I'm sorry my seduction attempts didn't include wine, candles, and perhaps a little bit of Barry Manilow. Though even if I did that, it probably would have been 'pitiful' to you as well DH. Now that i'm thinking it, no wonder I focused on my pretty looking closet. I'm trying to keep BD-ing fun, but with him being like this--it's hard. I got the job done, but couldn't help but be relieved when it was over, because then he could stop 'pitying' me.

And it's not only that, he's been working on designing a website that has him up til 5-6 AM, and then tries BD-ing with me, and then blaming me because we haven't kept up with it! I'm sorry I go to sleep at 12 because i'm tired, and don't really want to be woken up at six am to have sex with you! I'm sorry i'm trying to do it with you while we are both still awake, so that not only can we try to make a baby, but also stay close. I'm sorry!

I'm going shopping tomorrow. Maybe that will lift my spirits. While spending money isn't something that I should go overboard with, I will buy myself a few shirts, and perhaps some Halloween items.

Thanks for listening to my rant.
"I Couldn't believe my eyes, when I woke up this morning...."

Rx Bandits- Analog Boy

Please let FF be wrong! I wasn't ready to O. Not that early! We bd'd the day AFTER it said I O'd so my chances of being pg are probably nilch if it's true. I'm still going to bd every day/night for a few more days anyway. Please do not let me be 3DPO! (Never thought i'd say that) Okay. That is all.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Things I never would have done before my loss.

The things I took for granted before my loss:

After a post I made in JM, I realized something. Even though before my loss I was TTC, there were some things I never would have done before my loss. Things I never would have thought of before my loss. Things that have opened my eyes, and also made me a paranoid mess.

  • Before my loss, I usually didn't mind having a beer or two in my cycles. I figured as long as I didn't get completely plastered or do it too often it was ok. Now i'm paranoid about EVER drinking. I don't want to have any reason, or rhyme to try and blame myself. If I have another loss, and I happened to drink a beer (or mixed drink, etc) I would forever wonder, or point the finger at myself. 'Well, I shouldn't of done that. This is all my fault' When I know that one beer is not going to cause a loss.
  • I've never had the experience of getting a + HPT by myself at home. I got mine at the doctors, when I was already bleeding, and I knew the inevitable. Now I find myself taking HPT's even when AF is here, because that's what happened with my loss. I had AF. So now I no longer trust even her. I even took my HPT home from the doc's and cried over it because I didn't even get that moment of pure joy without worry with my ectopic.
  • I know that when/if I do get pg again, I will not have a moment that i'm not anxious or worried. I no longer can have an effortless pregnancy (I know that even normal pregnancies are not effortless, but i'm sure you know what I mean) I will analyze every twinge, cramp, slight shoulder pain (The shoulder pain which I have frequently anyway from being double jointed in my shoulders, I will now worry about) I already do that now, and I know it will get worse when I am pg.
  • I would have never met some of the most wonderful women in my life if it weren't for my loss. I wish that none of us could have met under these circumstances, but I'm glad we met all the same. These women are some of the strongest, most caring, understanding, women I have ever met. And though I do not know them IRL I am proud to call them my friends, and my heart breaks for them, just as much as it would for someone I would call a best friend that I did know IRL had a loss.
  • When we were ttc, while I was slightly envious about the pg women I knew--I always had it in the back of my mind 'well this will be me in a few months when I finally get my +HPT' so I never let it get to me too much. Now I'm envious, slightly angry. Because I don't know IF I ever will get my +HPT. I also see women taking completely for granted their pregnancies. I'm also envious/mad at the fact that they are complaining about every little thing about it, or just sitting back relaxing not having one little worry in their minds. I KNOW this is NOT their fault. I KNOW that I may not know their entire history--or if they have ever had a loss, I KNOW that sometimes I need to just pull my big girl panties on and deal with it.

I also KNOW that I am who I am today, because of my loss. While I may not be proud of every aspect of who I am today. The anger, the envy. I also am proud that my eyes have been opened. I am more sympathetic, I am more caring. I KNOW that when I get my BFP there will not be a single moment that I will take it for granted. I know that when I do get to hold my bebe in my arms that there is not a thing in the world that I would regret about him/her. I KNOW that I am stronger, and a better person because of it. I KNOW that there will not be a single moment in my life that will get past me. While I might not enjoy some aspects of the parenting (I know I have a DD, but like I said I've taken things for granted) I will welcome them with open arms, and laugh about it.

My name is Amy. And I'm an ectopic survivor. And I am also a very strong woman.