Monday, December 6, 2010

I haven't posted in awhile. Partially because of my illness, and partially because TTC has just seemed, so.....I don't know, hopeless? Everyone says that it'll happen, just in it's own time, and in a way I understand that. I get that. But why can't it be my time? Why should I, and everyone I know that are TTC, exhaust ourselves TTC every single month--just to be let down? Isn't the exhaustion part supposed to come AFTER we have the rainbow baby, not before? Sex used to be enjoyable. Random. Fun. And while sex can still be enjoyable, and when it's not O time--it can be random too, but now no matter what I do it seems that it's nothing but a schedule. And not to mention the whole post sex rituals. Us, as girls get the wonderful job of laying in the wet spot, or propping our hips up, or falling asleep with a very wet va-jay-jay--almost like we've peed ourselves. (Sorry if TMI)

Us, as girls also get the wonderful post O freak outs. Over analyzing everything. Are my boobs sore? Are those blue veins? Is that lower abdominal cramping, something to do with the fact that there is a baby in there? Is my acne, pregnancy acne? Am I nauseous? Half the time, i'm led to believe that most of those symptoms are there because we WANT them to be there. That part cannot be helped though. It also doesn't help that 95% of early pregnancy symptoms are similar to PMS symptoms. It can also be said that, most of the stuff that we over analyze post O, in fact have been there all month, but of course we don't notice it.

I DO want to be pregnant, and I want to be the one to carry my unborn child in my womb, and experiencing everything that has to do with THAT part of TTC/being pregnant, but what I do wish, is that even if only for one month why can't guys go through what we go through. The worry, the over analyzing, the craziness going on with our bodies, the POAS addiction. I know some DH's and DBF's, and DF's do get involved up to that point, but at the same time--can they really understand what we are going through, unless they experience it themselves?

Anyway, rant about that over.

I've been sick for the past week. Head cold type stuff. I've also felt sick to my stomach, as well for the past week. I'm hoping it's on it's way out, but this morning I woke up with a super sore throat. Worse than any of the sore throats i've had the entire time I was sick. I keep repeating my own mantra. At least I'm getting it over with now. haha.

I'm also very discouraged because of my cycle lengths, and never knowing when I O. I've had a fever for the past week or so too, so my temps would most definitely be off, and hold no bearing to O date so I haven't bothered to input them/take them when I first wake up. Not that it would hold much bearing to O date either. What with DD waking up at 5 am with night terrors, and then waking up at 7, just not a long enough sleep span. I mean pretty much every woman that went over to 2ww to O date, either a day before, the same day, or a few days after are already moved onto the 2ww. Me? According to FF i'm supposed to O around Christmas, which is 3 weeks away! I'm supposed to be in 2ww to O until Christmas? Three more weeks? I can't stand that. Of course at the same time, another site has AF due around Christmas, so I suppose it could go either way. Tomorrow, i'm going to start inputting my temps again, so I can at least get a guesstimate on which way it's gonna go.

On a good note though. I have been BD-ing exactly like I wanted to this cycle, and even a little bit more. I just need to keep it up!