I haven't posted in awhile. Partially because of my illness, and partially because TTC has just seemed, so.....I don't know, hopeless? Everyone says that it'll happen, just in it's own time, and in a way I understand that. I get that. But why can't it be my time? Why should I, and everyone I know that are TTC, exhaust ourselves TTC every single month--just to be let down? Isn't the exhaustion part supposed to come AFTER we have the rainbow baby, not before? Sex used to be enjoyable. Random. Fun. And while sex can still be enjoyable, and when it's not O time--it can be random too, but now no matter what I do it seems that it's nothing but a schedule. And not to mention the whole post sex rituals. Us, as girls get the wonderful job of laying in the wet spot, or propping our hips up, or falling asleep with a very wet va-jay-jay--almost like we've peed ourselves. (Sorry if TMI)

Us, as girls also get the wonderful post O freak outs. Over analyzing everything. Are my boobs sore? Are those blue veins? Is that lower abdominal cramping, something to do with the fact that there is a baby in there? Is my acne, pregnancy acne? Am I nauseous? Half the time, i'm led to believe that most of those symptoms are there because we WANT them to be there. That part cannot be helped though. It also doesn't help that 95% of early pregnancy symptoms are similar to PMS symptoms. It can also be said that, most of the stuff that we over analyze post O, in fact have been there all month, but of course we don't notice it.

I DO want to be pregnant, and I want to be the one to carry my unborn child in my womb, and experiencing everything that has to do with THAT part of TTC/being pregnant, but what I do wish, is that even if only for one month why can't guys go through what we go through. The worry, the over analyzing, the craziness going on with our bodies, the POAS addiction. I know some DH's and DBF's, and DF's do get involved up to that point, but at the same time--can they really understand what we are going through, unless they experience it themselves?

Anyway, rant about that over.

I've been sick for the past week. Head cold type stuff. I've also felt sick to my stomach, as well for the past week. I'm hoping it's on it's way out, but this morning I woke up with a super sore throat. Worse than any of the sore throats i've had the entire time I was sick. I keep repeating my own mantra. At least I'm getting it over with now. haha.

I'm also very discouraged because of my cycle lengths, and never knowing when I O. I've had a fever for the past week or so too, so my temps would most definitely be off, and hold no bearing to O date so I haven't bothered to input them/take them when I first wake up. Not that it would hold much bearing to O date either. What with DD waking up at 5 am with night terrors, and then waking up at 7, just not a long enough sleep span. I mean pretty much every woman that went over to 2ww to O date, either a day before, the same day, or a few days after are already moved onto the 2ww. Me? According to FF i'm supposed to O around Christmas, which is 3 weeks away! I'm supposed to be in 2ww to O until Christmas? Three more weeks? I can't stand that. Of course at the same time, another site has AF due around Christmas, so I suppose it could go either way. Tomorrow, i'm going to start inputting my temps again, so I can at least get a guesstimate on which way it's gonna go.

On a good note though. I have been BD-ing exactly like I wanted to this cycle, and even a little bit more. I just need to keep it up!

CYCLE DAY 36. Cannot believe it. Last time my cycle was 38 days, so I guess technically i'm not late yet. What I really hope right now though is that I could get my cycles back to normal. I hated my 'long' 31 day cycles before my loss--and now they've moved up to as long as 38 days? Why must my body still insist on being out of wack? And what's even crazier is the fact that if I counted the day I had the methotrexate injection as CD 1, it was exactly 31 days after that AF came! So not fair anymore!

I mean I don't think i've ever had 'normal' 28 day cycles, but seriously varying from 34-38 days (averaging on 36 days) is seriously getting on my nerves.

On the plus side though, I did have a great Halloween. There were only eight of us there that night, but it was still fun. I probably drank one too many drinks, but I doubt I am PG anyway. Not sure why. Mostly because my cycle and temps were so wacky that it's just taken away all of my hope for the month. Hopefully i'm wrong.

Halloween is the start of the Holidays that don't stop until March for us. Thanksgiving in Nov. Christmas, and New Years in Dec. Kiki's birthday in Jan. Rodney's birthday in Feb. And my birthday in March. Still my favorite time of the year, even though it is holy hell expensive. It's all worth it. Now if only I could get PG, and stop spending money, and extra time on TTC.

Hmm guilty?

Alright, so i'm in a much better place this post. Still ancy, and worried, but better! FF doesn't have a for sure O date, and my chart is out of control! I know it's the way i've been temping, and i'm really hoping that didn't throw off anything--that perhaps I have O'd and we DTD the right days! AF is due the week of Nov 1st so i'm trying not to test until then, or maybe even later if I haven't O'd yet. But.......i've got a small dilemma.

As everyone knows, it's Halloween next week. Well, Saturday is the day my state is celebrating it. I'm going to attend a Halloween party with a few friends, and I know there will be alcohol there, and i'm going to want to drink a beer, or two or a mixed drink or something. But, what if I did O and i'm possibly PG then? I would feel hella guilty for my screw up! Or if i'm not, and I don't drink anything just in case, i'd feel like I could of had a bit more fun, and let my worries fly to the wind. Is that selfish of me?

I could test on the 30th, and see what's happens, but I have one test left and i'm trying to save it. (It's a FRER, so I don't want to use it too early and waste it just in case) So i'm kind of in a bind.

And for even making a post about this, I feel extremely selfish. I mean, it's a small sacrifice not to drink, it's not that big of a deal--but at the same time it's the first time i'll get out all month, be around great people, a good atmosphere, and the first drink i've had all month. And I know that even if I just have one beer, it will take a lot of the stress i've been having off of my shoulders, at least for a few hours, and that would be amazing. Arrrrrg!!

Any advice?

bills, bills, bills.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."

~Glenn Turner

It's been a long time since I've updated. For many reasons. This month has been hell for us, because of bills, storms, and a bunch of other random things. We were doing ok before, but now when payday comes we are forced to pay half of the bills, and buy what we need, then are left with only enough money for gas to get to work for the next two weeks. It's not usually like this, and I'm not quite sure why all of a sudden things got so tight. I'm just a ball of worries though. Worries that we are going to get a shut off notice for our power, or telephone and have to go get a payday loan to prevent it from happening.

The power is almost paid off, and the phone bill is paid off until next month that is, so I guess thats something. Though I suppose it's understandable why the power bill is so high. The summer months always run very warm here (No AC, in 120 degree weather? I think not.) So it should start going down some, but until then we still have 180.00 to pay that's past due, and i'm praying we can pay it off on time. Though I suppose getting the payday loan wouldn't be all too horrible. Just transferring the bill somewhere else, and paying on it each month, but i'd rather not pay the finance charges.

My cycle has been wacked this month too. Not sure if I've O'd yet, temps keep going up and down, but I think the only reason for that is because of the way i've been temping. I'm pretty sure I sleep with my mouth open most nights. So next month I'm going to do it vaginally, and hope for the best. I've been trying to keep my mind off of everything, but it's just not working. Whenever my mind wanders it wanders to the bills to be paid, and when are we next going to be paid, and how much will it be, and will it be enough? I've tried reading to help with this, but it only holds my attention for little spurts of time.

Halloween is coming up, and i've tried focusing on that, and maybe that's why i'm anxious as well. The first time all month, i'll be getting out of the house and doing something fun, and around people I enjoy. I'm just sick of feeling like one big ball of anxiety. I get that enough with TTC, I don't want it to hang around because i'm looking forward to something!

I just have to keep telling myself, it will work out. Yes, having no money sucks, but we could be in a much worse situation. At least we are getting money to pay the bills, at least we will have the money to pay back the payday loan place, should we have to get one. Even though rent is sky high, at least we have a place to live. Even though we cannot eat out as much as we used to, at least we still have food to eat. Even though it cost an arm and a leg, at least we got the car insurance paid, and we can still drive to work--and it's one less bill to worry about. And even though friends are scarce, and we hardly see them, at least we do see them once in awhile, and we do have family who loves us.

Sorry. Had to vent--or something.....

Sad sad day

It's a sad day in Amy's world of TTC. As most of you know BD-ing can be kind of repetitive, and you can easily lose interest. Well, i'm not sure if that's what's happened in my world, but something close.

While BD-ing I looked over at my closet, and realized I forgot to ask if DH noticed I color coordinated it, and couldn't help but, think how pretty nice it looked that way. How sad is that?

Also in my attempt to seduce DH, he told me 'How am I supposed to want to have sex with you, when you are so pitiful in wanting it?'

What the heck is that? I'm sorry my seduction attempts didn't include wine, candles, and perhaps a little bit of Barry Manilow. Though even if I did that, it probably would have been 'pitiful' to you as well DH. Now that i'm thinking it, no wonder I focused on my pretty looking closet. I'm trying to keep BD-ing fun, but with him being like this--it's hard. I got the job done, but couldn't help but be relieved when it was over, because then he could stop 'pitying' me.

And it's not only that, he's been working on designing a website that has him up til 5-6 AM, and then tries BD-ing with me, and then blaming me because we haven't kept up with it! I'm sorry I go to sleep at 12 because i'm tired, and don't really want to be woken up at six am to have sex with you! I'm sorry i'm trying to do it with you while we are both still awake, so that not only can we try to make a baby, but also stay close. I'm sorry!

I'm going shopping tomorrow. Maybe that will lift my spirits. While spending money isn't something that I should go overboard with, I will buy myself a few shirts, and perhaps some Halloween items.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

"I Couldn't believe my eyes, when I woke up this morning...."

Rx Bandits- Analog Boy

Please let FF be wrong! I wasn't ready to O. Not that early! We bd'd the day AFTER it said I O'd so my chances of being pg are probably nilch if it's true. I'm still going to bd every day/night for a few more days anyway. Please do not let me be 3DPO! (Never thought i'd say that) Okay. That is all.

Things I never would have done before my loss.

The things I took for granted before my loss:

After a post I made in JM, I realized something. Even though before my loss I was TTC, there were some things I never would have done before my loss. Things I never would have thought of before my loss. Things that have opened my eyes, and also made me a paranoid mess.

• Before my loss, I usually didn't mind having a beer or two in my cycles. I figured as long as I didn't get completely plastered or do it too often it was ok. Now i'm paranoid about EVER drinking. I don't want to have any reason, or rhyme to try and blame myself. If I have another loss, and I happened to drink a beer (or mixed drink, etc) I would forever wonder, or point the finger at myself. 'Well, I shouldn't of done that. This is all my fault' When I know that one beer is not going to cause a loss.
• I've never had the experience of getting a + HPT by myself at home. I got mine at the doctors, when I was already bleeding, and I knew the inevitable. Now I find myself taking HPT's even when AF is here, because that's what happened with my loss. I had AF. So now I no longer trust even her. I even took my HPT home from the doc's and cried over it because I didn't even get that moment of pure joy without worry with my ectopic.
• I know that when/if I do get pg again, I will not have a moment that i'm not anxious or worried. I no longer can have an effortless pregnancy (I know that even normal pregnancies are not effortless, but i'm sure you know what I mean) I will analyze every twinge, cramp, slight shoulder pain (The shoulder pain which I have frequently anyway from being double jointed in my shoulders, I will now worry about) I already do that now, and I know it will get worse when I am pg.
• I would have never met some of the most wonderful women in my life if it weren't for my loss. I wish that none of us could have met under these circumstances, but I'm glad we met all the same. These women are some of the strongest, most caring, understanding, women I have ever met. And though I do not know them IRL I am proud to call them my friends, and my heart breaks for them, just as much as it would for someone I would call a best friend that I did know IRL had a loss.
• When we were ttc, while I was slightly envious about the pg women I knew--I always had it in the back of my mind 'well this will be me in a few months when I finally get my +HPT' so I never let it get to me too much. Now I'm envious, slightly angry. Because I don't know IF I ever will get my +HPT. I also see women taking completely for granted their pregnancies. I'm also envious/mad at the fact that they are complaining about every little thing about it, or just sitting back relaxing not having one little worry in their minds. I KNOW this is NOT their fault. I KNOW that I may not know their entire history--or if they have ever had a loss, I KNOW that sometimes I need to just pull my big girl panties on and deal with it.

I also KNOW that I am who I am today, because of my loss. While I may not be proud of every aspect of who I am today. The anger, the envy. I also am proud that my eyes have been opened. I am more sympathetic, I am more caring. I KNOW that when I get my BFP there will not be a single moment that I will take it for granted. I know that when I do get to hold my bebe in my arms that there is not a thing in the world that I would regret about him/her. I KNOW that I am stronger, and a better person because of it. I KNOW that there will not be a single moment in my life that will get past me. While I might not enjoy some aspects of the parenting (I know I have a DD, but like I said I've taken things for granted) I will welcome them with open arms, and laugh about it.

My name is Amy. And I'm an ectopic survivor. And I am also a very strong woman.